Your Dismissive Avoidant Ex is a puddle, not an ocean.

Your mind has run in circles. Your heart has ached deep and long and lonely. Because you dared to love someone who doesn't have the capacity, to love. He's not deep. He's not an ocean. Or a pond, even. He's a half filled kiddy pool with a mini cheetos bag, a dead grasshopper and some grass floating in it. He's not art, he's a mess. A puddle, at best. Because... No matter what he's been through. He hasn't metabolized it. Read that again. He's had the buffet of life, just like you. But none of the digestive enzymes, acids or bile to break it down. And no desire to. This means, the life he's lived is not fueling him and making him more human- no, it's putrefying inside of him and detatching him. The more he experiences, the less he can handle. The grief, the anger, the fear is Always Dismissed. Always Avoided. And he is filled to the brim with what has not been metabolized. Sat with. Seen. Felt. This may appear as depth at first- it can be very alluring to sense this much chaos beneath a seemingly 'peaceful' person's skin. But what it really is, is a life unexamined, and a heart untouched- he's not peaceful, he's pushed it all down. He's not strong, he's skiddish-- and has found a way to control the world around him by shutting reality out. That tension in his body is fear- not strength. Strength bends. He can't even turn to look in the mirror without cracking. Or stretch to see your point of view, without tweaking his neck. He will disguise his avoidance as diplomacy, as calm, as peace. He'll quietly disapprove of your aliveness, your humaness. Until you second guess yourself. Your passions. Your needs. His quiet argument for why you should not feel or need, will become compelling. Covertly, of course. Slowly, over time... you question your very worth, and your right to have a voice. And each thing needs to be brought to him so carefully, handled with silk gloves, ego stroking, and plenty of spaciousness. Maybe, you think... he's teaching you how to be a better person. To communicate more kindly. To be sweeter, softer... more feminine? No, my love, he's teaching you how to disappear your humanness- so he never has to face his. What he dismisses in you, he's actually dismissing in himself. What he avoids, he's actually avoiding in himself. It was rare that I could have honest conversations with him, but there are two times I remember clearly him answering my questions. Once, I asked my dismissive avoidant ex (post breakup) why he insisted everyone around him be nice and pleasant all the time. He said "Because I don't like the part of me that comes out when people aren't." And then I asked him "What does 'getting me' mean to you?" because he would love bomb me so hard to get me back when I would leave him because he had been aloof, avoidant and self centered... he responded, a little drunken and in a rare form of honesty "It would mean I'm not a f*cked up person if I got someone like you." That was a dark moment when I realized so much of his 'love' was just a desperate attempt to feel good about himself- despite himself- and without ever having to face himself. Being with an empathic woman, made him appear human. Here's the thing about Dismissive Avoidants, and how 'nice' they are... Diplomacy is not the same as truth.

And complexity is not the same as depth. Pain is not the same as depth. Silence is not the same as depth. Depth requires the willingness to enter one’s own experience, metabolize it, and tell the truth about it. That's where capacity is built, capacity for life and to hold the experience of someone else without crumbling.

A dismissive-avoidant person may have an enormous amount happening internally. But if they consistently refuse to face, process, communicate, or take responsibility for it, the partner keeps mistaking inaccessible material for hidden treasure. She spends years waiting for the profound person she imagines is buried underneath to finally emerge. finally emerge. Consequently Dismissive Avoidants & Narcissists choose Givers & Empaths as mates. Because They know anyone self centered (centered in self), wouldn't tolerate them. Though it's a hard pill to swallow ... Givers and Empaths are toxic in one way... They feed the Dismissive Avoidant and the Narcissist. Without this food source, they could not exist. That's not meant to bring you shame, but power. The truth shall set you free. But first, it shall piss you off. Dont Feed the Dismissive Avoidants. Don't Feed The Narcissists. No matter how much you give them, they can't assimilate it- because if they have a choice between love, and hiding from their pain, they will choose the later every time.